As I contemplate the trajectory of my life as not only a physical being, but as a spiritual one, I am forced to draw a one definitive conclusion. When reducing all spiritual experiences I have had and all the spiritual experiences I continue to have they are reduced to one phenomenon. That one phenomenon being respect. 

Forcing me to conclude, that the only spiritual experience that exists is that which is defined within the sentiments of respect. 

How I would come to define all the subjective nuances that such a term implies might be beyond my scope, but at the very least it seems to be contingent upon the sympathies of acknowledgment, recognition, and validation. 

Not towards specific extraordinary characteristics of independent people or things, but within the commonality of inherent value that all things and people contain. Perhaps we can equate that value to something akin to a capacity for change or stored potential. Perhaps we can equate that recognition into an empathetic projection of one's own journey to the arrival of a shared moment. 

At the very least the sentiment I am yearning to express is not a respect rooted in fear, power, or approval. This seems to be the weaponization of sentimentality through coercive idealization. 

Respect, is the purest source of connectivity. What that connection blossoms into is contingent upon the intricacies of intrapersonal and intraspiritual momentary experiences. From that respect, love or hatred is abstracted outwardly. In an obscure way, both are revelations of kinship. I have found a way to reframe my perspective in a way that allows me to view the lover with the same appreciation as the rival. 

The desire to express this is because the current nature of my circumstance is a remarkably coercive and manipulative form of care. A form of care, which, I genuinely believe is well-intentioned. But the obscure precondition of this care carries the simultaneous preconditional demand that I am and that I am not. 

The fact of the matter is if this approach is within the conversation of "healing" me, then I'd like to say the first thing that must be established in the pursuit of healing is trust. Not only must trust be established to provide an adequate atmosphere for repair, but the only truth that can be properly occupied in the context of this truth is that of the spiritual nature. Ergo, respect. Ergo, recognition, validation, and appreciation. For we are not seeking to heal physical wounds, but intangible ones. 

Now the vicious cycle that I am trapped within is that my presumed well-intentioned care givers have all the power over my circumstance. They have turned to trickery and lying in the spirit of having me develop in a direction that's destination is contradictory to their approach. They have done so in a way that restricts me from attaining evidence, but I am now certain. I do not need the evidence for you, my lovely spectator, have all the evidence I need. 

What my captors---I mean my caregivers fail to recognize, is that me constantly subverting the fabricated reality they work so diligently to keep me entranced within, is that my constant subversion and insistence on being difficult is a profound display of respect not only for them but for myself. 

It is also a blatant attempt to establish the trust required to heal and move on in the manner, which they so specifically demand of me. 

There is an inherent contradiction when exploring the approach being taken towards my rehabilitation, when entertaining the very plausible reality that the only spiritual experience there is, is respect. Again, not a societal radicalization of the term contingent upon fear, power, and approval. But the type of respect that is universal and timeless. That of acknowledgement, validation, gratitude, and recognition. 

The unfortunate reality that must be accepted by my caregivers is that there is an inherent flaw in the current system of care that is being imposed upon me. For the results it seeks can only be achieved through truth and respect; but the approach contradicts both of those sentiments fundamentally. 

A flaw in the system that inhibits me from rising to the occasion, and living to the standards that which they expect, unless I disrespect myself. Which I absolutely, refuse to do. I have accomplished too much in the face of adversity, done too much work to know myself intimately, and risen to the occasion too many times. My guess is writing this is a futile attempt at trying to reach my larger audience. But rest assured that whoever is doing this to me I can make you a deep and profound promise. One that can only be made from a place of respect. 

I am gonna fuck you up. Do not underestimate my patience or my resilience.