You are special. You are beautiful. You are insecure. You disgust me. You don't know the light you bring. If only you could see what we see. If only you could feel the way we feel. You're a father. You're not a father. You've lost a child. Your child is born and has never met you. You're books are amazing. You're books are terrible. You're books are best sellers. You're books are a flop. You are God. You are the Devil. You're a saint. You're a dark ranger. You are the hero. You are the villain. You save. You condemn. You're parents are dead. You're parents miss you. You're brothers are dead. You're brothers miss you. You're disciples are making a positive change. You're disciples have lost their way. You are a racist. You are a prophet. You are a sexist. You are a prophet. You are a womanizer. You are a faggot. You are for the people. You are only for yourself.

You are wealthy, but the banker tells you of late fees. The world is yours, but you receive an eviction notice. You are a deadbeat, but if she is out there she won't answer your calls. The world is yours, but you have nobody to hold at night. You are great, but you are small. You need to think about yourself, but you do nothing for the culture. You are too liberal to be a republican. You are too conservative to be a Democrat. You say black is beautiful, but dance too hard to rock & roll. You say white is beautiful, but you rap all the Nas lyrics. They hate it the way your hip move to cumbia.

You are the new Johnny Cash. You are just a pretty boy. You are the new Bob Dylan. You just watched a YouTube video on who to play G Major.

You say you want peace, but you have a tendency for violence. You have the capacity for violence, but you always choose diplomacy.

Write like this, but we can't stop reading that. That's not this, but you keep coming back.

You paint your nails, but you won't suck dick. You're cool with everyone, but you're not cool with yourself. You're cool with yourself, but you're not cool with anyone. You don't feel anything, but you feel too much. We adore you. Nobody cares about you. We want you to let us in. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. You've shared too much. 

Hi my name is Ruben. I like to write poems, drink whiskey, eat hot pockets, and fall deeply head over heals in love with no emotional capacity to commit to said love in a healthy way. 

One time I was swimming and saw a manta ray. In fact, I touched it with the palm of my hand. The same hand that writes to you of love from a place of decrepit solitude.

A ring I bought in Spain was tight when I bought it. It is now loose on my fingers. All my socks have holes in them.

For two weeks over the summer all I ate was rice, eggs and canned vegetables. I threw all of my money into my failing writing career. My greatest strength and weakness is an inability to give up. 

I would show up early too work so I could journal in my truck. I'd always park under the same tree. The light from the rising sun so consistently cut through the branches. I'd watch as two stray dogs would drag their feet through the early morning dew. 

My dog likes to sleep in my bed. On days where I have not given her enough attention she puts her butt under my armpit. On days when she has received ample scratches she tucks her snout under my chin. She is the gassiest and sassiest dog there ever was. It is a miracle I do not live in a perpetual state of pink eye. 

One time I saw my mother cry because she was dancing. I have never seen my father cry, but I have seen him scream at an empty field of grass. 

I am really smart. I am really stupid. I have become a fighter not because I am itching to prove something, but because I play the cards I am dealt.

One time I saw someone wrestle a pig. One time I saw that same person slit the pigs throat. 

I think the stupidest thing about humanity is humanity. I think the most incredible thing about humanity is humanity. 

I have so many goddamn nicknames it's hard too keep up with what hat I am wearing. I am starting to see the number of nicknames others bestow upon you as a marker of the quality of a good life. 

I am grateful for my Catholic upbringing. Even the spicy moments. Eastern philosophies fascinate me. The Islamic tradition is like a tornado of emerald sand and sweet wine. I am miraculously ignorant to things that people are deeply passionate to enforce that you ought to know. I am opening to learning if you are willing to teach. I know a little about everything. And nothing about anything. 

One time my best friend got his American citizenship. We ate Chipotle, drank cheap bourbon, and smoked cigars to celebrate. We no longer talk. One time me and my other best friend would go drifting in his Chevy pick up whenever it would rain. We'd strike out on the weekends as we flipped coins to see who was sober enough to drive (not a brag. We were fucking moronic.). We no longer talk. One time I met up with my other best friend in South America. We drank Irish beer and swallowed strange pills with strangers. The women in the room with the window floors weren't women of the evening, but that evening they took us for what we were worth. I have been told he is dead. Either way we don't speak anymore. One time my other best friend, somewhere between Nevada and California told me he wished my dad was his dad. That I wished his dad was my dad. That's not quite it. We just admired one another's parents for different reasons. Everyone was sleeping, it was beige landscape and there was an abandoned rail road track with a top sided locomotive.

The first time I touched a women's breast was in Rome. The first time I had sex I came all over my favorite Barcelona jersey. The first time I kissed a man it was actually a woman. Wait. They were a woman who was once a man. I don't know their lips were soft and my breathe reeked of alcohol, marijuana, and coffee. Undeniably a good kisser.

I take genuine enjoyment in being an image of "masculinity" and challenging heteronormativity in ways that confuses people. In fact, it might be the only thing I enjoy nowadays. Or maybe...

One time, me and my other best friends, got into my mini van and filled it with as many girls as we could find. We threw sand bags off a dam to listen to the bang. The girls were not nearly entertained as we were. We were only entertained because the girls were pretending to be entertained. 

Every girl I have ever loved I have taken to the same spot, but there is only one woman to which that place remains "our" spot.

I told a girl I loved her once when I didn't. I only realized I actually loved her when it was too late. One time I told my best friend I loved him and I think he misunderstood the kind of love I was expressing. Seeing how hurt he was made me love him in the way he thought I did. It is now impossible for us to care for each other outside of the realm of the deepest kinship. For that I am grateful.

It's odd how our emotions like to torment us.

One time I gave my grandmother a painting and she looked at me like she found something that she had forgotten she had misplaced. 

I used to get erections whenever I was nervous. Funeral erections. Doctor office erections. Principal meeting erections. Swimming in the pool erections. When I'd get erections in Chruch (pre sex-ed) I though it was my special prayer antenna. 

When I was going to join the military someone who had already sworn in came into my government provided hotel room. He asked if he could borrow my phone to call his father. I listened to them reconcile. He said his father hadn't spoken to him since he had decided to serve. 

One time in L.A. a stripper threw her singles at me because I had no cash to throw. She then gave me the middle finger. We almost fucked that night. I almost died as well. I just didn't know the rules and regulations. 

When I was working construction I was digging a trench in the escavator to lay drainage.There was a worker in the trench as I dug. Another worker used a wet chain saw to cut a new window into the foundation we were working on. He must have been applying too much pressure and the chain snapped. When it did it recoiled and smacked him the face. He needed something like twelve stitches from the corner of his lip to his jaw. This happened right after morning coffee and he was back from the hospital after lunch to replace the chain. When I told him he could take the rest of the day off he told me his family back in South America had bellies in need of feeding. 

One time one of my student hugged me. 

When I gave up on a writing, I heard a stranger say "those days are not behind you". She wasn't talking to me or maybe she was. Either way it was what I needed to hear. 

You are at the precipice of your career. You are at rock bottom. We need you to write more stories. You have nothing to offer. This is where you belong. Go home. 

 

 

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